the attack of the panic..

Last night was a blur. I got home at around 3am after spending the night at the bar and then going for a coffee and drawing for a bit. Walked home. Did some quick throw-ups on the way and then had a smoke before I came in. Got into my room, changed and then headed to the guestroom to play on the computer for a bit, do some writing and reply to some e-mails. Everything normal, so far. I got hungry. Got some leftover dinner that Mom made and ate it while watching whatever was on the tele. After eating, I got into bed and turned off the TV. I thought I was just going to pass out. I thought I was tired. Not. I lay there. Closed my eyes and nothing was happening. My mind kept on going. I realized that my voice in my head was louder than my normal voice. It was weird. I was trying not to pay attention to the yelling voice from inside. I felt like I was going crazy. I got up and turned on the TV for a bit more. Tried to get my mind off stuff. Didn’t work. I changed the channel to the satellite network where they play earthy sounds – wild river sounds, the barks of frogs and other wild animals, the pleasant sound of the ocean – that kind of stuff. It was working. My eyes were getting heavy and I felt like it was going to be good. Nada. By this time it was around 5am to no avail of getting any sleep. I got up and made some real early breakfast. I’m not a big breakfast guy. Fruit and a coffee and a side of orange juice would do just fine. However, I thought if I were to make a huge breakfast, I fall asleep right after because of the full stomach. I made an omelette with hash browns and had orange juice. It was real good and finished it all up and yes; I got full and wanted to go sleep. Went to the bedroom and passed out in my bed. Finally.


Got up a few hours later and remembered a dream I had. I had a dream that my sister Mel had died. She was real sick and my Mom told her that she felt like she had to go, then she had to go. Next thing I knew I was getting ready for the funeral. Dressed in an all black suite and was wearing a top hat. The family had gathered together and I decided to head to the hotel where the memorial service was being held by myself. I started walking down the street but the sidewalks became the street and I had to dodge traffic. It kind of looked like I was a star from the 50’s on a variety show dancing with a top hat and all trying to make it to my late sisters’ service. I thought of everything. How my brother-in-law Vince would be able to handle a baby girl by himself. How the family will cope. How I will miss her. I made it to the hotel. Got to the lobby and went into this room. No one was there, yet so I started to prepare the room setting up chairs and making sure the programs were ready. It felt like I was quietly mourning my sister but on the outside it seemed like everything was fine. I woke up. It took me a couple of minutes to realize it was just a real bad dream. A vivid one, but a not real at all.


My heart was beating moments after I opened my eyes. An attack was setting in. Another day in the life, I guess.