better..

Today marks week three of not drinking. The past few weeks have flown by much easier than I thought they would’ve. As I most likely said before, I think it’s due to the amazing support I’ve gotten from friends and aquatinters - Plus the fact that for the first time in a long time I’m in control of me. I’m not being controlled by a substance or me not doing a substance. I’m controlling me. As Simmons would say, I’m doing Me. And by me doing me, I’m able to be in control of my own life. I see the changes. Again, for the first time in a long while, I’ve been having dreams where I’m the one who is driving. If you don’t know, if you ever dream that you’re in a car it’s the person who is driving that is really taking control of your life. I used to have these odd dreams (that I’ve documented many times on here) where I’m in a car but never the one driving. Never the one in charge. Now I am.

I’m not saying that my problems are solved or that things are all peachy keen. They’re not. Far from it, but I do know what the problems are and I’m taking steps on fixing them. I do have to say, though that I’m much happier than I’ve been. Seeing where I’ve gone wrong and seeing where I’ve screwed up is good because it makes me want to fix it and in the long run – just as stronger than I’ve ever been.

Instead of having the panic attacks with bad thoughts and way out there ideas, I’m having good panic attacks - with good thoughts. Don’t get me wrong – they still suck. I still get the racing heart beat, the sweaty palms, the uncomfortable chest aches – but they are full of good thoughts and ideas and revelations. Things that make me want to wake up early and accomplish. Or ideas that puts a whole new spin on a situation.


As for the depression, that’s also getting better. I mean, I still feel it creeping in at times, but now, Instead of hitting the bottle and getting more down, I’m drawing or writing or doing some kind of graphic design or cooking or something productive to make me think in a whole new creative light. Again, it’s getting better but no way it’s been defeated – yet.