feeling free..

I had my first appointment on the weekend. The appointment with the shrink. It went well. After I left the office, I told my mom that I felt like Dorothy from Golden Girls when she knew something was wrong with her, but all the doctors told her that she was in fine shape. She just wanted answers. When she got those answers she was happy. Not happy knowing that she’s sick, but happy that she was right. That she knew something was wrong and now she can do something about it. Now I can do something about it. I think when I quit drinking (today would be day 9 of me not touching any kind of alcohol.) I think I solved most of the problem. I think most of the problems stemmed from me drinking and what kind of person I became when I did drink. I think I also have a bunch of other problems that have nothing to do with drinking but to do with myself and my own way over archiving mind never giving myself enough credit or patience to accomplish when is more in the realistic future rather than me aiming for something that isn’t realistic which just ends up by me getting down, hitting the bottle and suffering from not thinking I’m worth anything.

Hopefully now that I’m able to realize the problems, I can tackle them. Head on. I know that I feel a whole lot better knowing that we are on the road to do so. The doc also said that I suffer from panic attacks and sometimes when I was drunk I would do odd things and say odd things just because I would be scared on what the future would hold for me – either good or bad. Due to this uncertainty, I would immediately block any kind of solution to what could be ahead just because of me being scared or not sure or I don’t know, just insecure with `what could be’. This is pretty sad, because I know a couple of times in the past few months I could’ve had something really great, but ruined it because I did screw it up by drunken verbal attacks and intoxicated feelings. I just know now that I will never do that again. I have control on it.

Speaking of control, I still frequent bars. When I first decided to quit drinking I promised myself that nothing would rule my life again. And I also thought – or realized – that I don’t want not drinking to rule my life the way that drinking ruled me. Due to this fact, I opted not to go to AA and decided that I won’t block out my friends because they drink and I don’t. Some people need to do it; I don’t think I need to. I don’t want me not drinking to dictate where I spend my Friday nights. I want to dictate where I spend my Friday nights and if it’s at a bar with some good pals drinking Red Bull or Pepsi or Sprite, I will do so not because I want to prove to the world that I can drink at a bar without it being beer, but because I control me and I want to do so for me.

When something controls your life so much that you know it’s bad for you but you still want it because you think it’ll kill the pain – the pain that was caused by that same deadly drug you ache for and you finally get rid of it, you realize how you were so masked by its negative imprints they put on your life and you realize what kind of person you turned into and how it controlled everything around you – your wallet, your thought process, your social life, your professional life. Everything. Good thing I found out early enough because the feeling now I have of being free is a much better high than five jager bombs in a row followed by a few gin and tonics. The sober highs that you can remember the next morning are always the best.