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G&B: Apologies to Sting

It's been a blast, folks. The Worlds Most Popular Podcast is signing off. Truth to be told, there's not enough hours in the day for ...

Tuesday, May 27, 2008

roseanne quotes...

Roseanne is most likely one of my top all time favorite TV shows. It's one of those sitcoms where I can quote almost every episode I watch but still find it as funny as I did the first time I watched it. Some parts still touch my heart, and some parts still make me crack up - like when they smoked pot. Thought I'd dig up some of the best quotes from the series for your laughing pleasure.

Darlene: Trust me, he goes in that room cause it's the only one with a lock on it, and he's in there for like an hour at a time. Which means he's either really, really good at it, or really, really bad at it!
Roseanne: Well I don't want you to give him any grief about this, ya know, cause you could traumatize him and turn him into a serial killer!
Darlene: Well don't worry, how much damage could he do with only one free hand?

Dan: What a beautiful day - the kind of day that starts with a hearty breakfast and ends with a newsreader saying, "... before turning the gun on himself."

Roseanne: This is why some animals eat their young.

D.J.: Was I an accident?
Roseanne: No, D.J., you were a surprise.
D.J.: Oh. What's the difference?
Roseanne: Well, an accident is something that you wouldn't do over again if you had the chance. A surprise is something you didn't even know you wanted until you got it.
D.J.: Oh. Was Darlene an accident?
Dan: No, Darlene was a disaster.

Darlene: To whom it concerns, Darlene's work will be late/ It fell on her pancakes and stuck to her plate./ To whom it concerns, my ma made me write this/ And I'm just her kid, so how could I fight this./ To whom it concerns, I lost my assignment/ Maybe I'll get lucky, solitary confinement./ To whom it concerns, Darlene's great with the ball/ But guys don't watch tomboys when they're cruising the hall./ To whom it concerns, I just turned thirteen/ Too short to be quarterback, too plain to be queen./ To whom it concerns, I'm not made of steel/ When I get blindsided my pain is quite real./ I don't mean to squawk, but it really burns./ I just thought I'd mention it, to whom it concerns...

Roseanne: [their father has just died] Okay, that's it. I can't do it anymore, you call the rest of the family list.
Jackie: I can't call people, Roseanne!
Roseanne: Jackie... dial!
Jackie: I'm supposed to be in mourning.
Roseanne: Well then wear a veil over your face while you do it!
Jackie: [dials the phone] Hello, Auntie Barbara? It's Jackie... Jack-key! Yes. I'm fine... Fine!... I'm fine!... I got some bad news... Dad isn't with us anymore. I said Dad has passed away... He's passed away!... Dad is gone... Dad's dead!... He's dead!... No... DEAD!... DEAD! DEAD!... No, he's fine, he sends his love!
[hangs up]
Jackie: I am not doing that again, you can't make me!

Roseanne: [When Roseanne and Dan are contacting their insurance at the hospital while Darlene was having her appendex removed] Roseanne: Conner. C as in cat. O as in oof! N as in numb skull! N as in nit wit! E as in empty headed! R as in *target*.

Roseanne: I realized that my dreams of being a writer wouldn’t just come true; I had to do the work. And as I wrote about my life, I relived it, and whatever I didn’t like, I rearranged. I made a commitment to finish my story even if I had to write in the basement in the middle of the night while everyone else was asleep. But the more I wrote, the more I understood myself and why I had made the choices I made, and that was the real jackpot. I learned that dreams don’t work without action; I learned that no one could stop me but me. I learned that love is stronger than hate. And most important, I learned that God does exist. He and/or She is right inside you, underneath the pain, the sorrow, and the shame. I think I’ll be a lot better now that this book is done.