roseanne quotes...

Roseanne is most likely one of my top all time favorite TV shows. It's one of those sitcoms where I can quote almost every episode I watch but still find it as funny as I did the first time I watched it. Some parts still touch my heart, and some parts still make me crack up - like when they smoked pot. Thought I'd dig up some of the best quotes from the series for your laughing pleasure.


Darlene: Trust me, he goes in that room cause it's the only one with a lock on it, and he's in there for like an hour at a time. Which means he's either really, really good at it, or really, really bad at it!
Roseanne: Well I don't want you to give him any grief about this, ya know, cause you could traumatize him and turn him into a serial killer!
Darlene: Well don't worry, how much damage could he do with only one free hand?



Dan: What a beautiful day - the kind of day that starts with a hearty breakfast and ends with a newsreader saying, "... before turning the gun on himself."



Roseanne: This is why some animals eat their young.



D.J.: Was I an accident?
Roseanne: No, D.J., you were a surprise.
D.J.: Oh. What's the difference?
Roseanne: Well, an accident is something that you wouldn't do over again if you had the chance. A surprise is something you didn't even know you wanted until you got it.
D.J.: Oh. Was Darlene an accident?
Dan: No, Darlene was a disaster.



Darlene: To whom it concerns, Darlene's work will be late/ It fell on her pancakes and stuck to her plate./ To whom it concerns, my ma made me write this/ And I'm just her kid, so how could I fight this./ To whom it concerns, I lost my assignment/ Maybe I'll get lucky, solitary confinement./ To whom it concerns, Darlene's great with the ball/ But guys don't watch tomboys when they're cruising the hall./ To whom it concerns, I just turned thirteen/ Too short to be quarterback, too plain to be queen./ To whom it concerns, I'm not made of steel/ When I get blindsided my pain is quite real./ I don't mean to squawk, but it really burns./ I just thought I'd mention it, to whom it concerns...



Roseanne: [their father has just died] Okay, that's it. I can't do it anymore, you call the rest of the family list.
Jackie: I can't call people, Roseanne!
Roseanne: Jackie... dial!
Jackie: I'm supposed to be in mourning.
Roseanne: Well then wear a veil over your face while you do it!
Jackie: [dials the phone] Hello, Auntie Barbara? It's Jackie... Jack-key! Yes. I'm fine... Fine!... I'm fine!... I got some bad news... Dad isn't with us anymore. I said Dad has passed away... He's passed away!... Dad is gone... Dad's dead!... He's dead!... No... DEAD!... DEAD! DEAD!... No, he's fine, he sends his love!
[hangs up]
Jackie: I am not doing that again, you can't make me!





Roseanne: [When Roseanne and Dan are contacting their insurance at the hospital while Darlene was having her appendex removed] Roseanne: Conner. C as in cat. O as in oof! N as in numb skull! N as in nit wit! E as in empty headed! R as in *target*.





Roseanne: I realized that my dreams of being a writer wouldn’t just come true; I had to do the work. And as I wrote about my life, I relived it, and whatever I didn’t like, I rearranged. I made a commitment to finish my story even if I had to write in the basement in the middle of the night while everyone else was asleep. But the more I wrote, the more I understood myself and why I had made the choices I made, and that was the real jackpot. I learned that dreams don’t work without action; I learned that no one could stop me but me. I learned that love is stronger than hate. And most important, I learned that God does exist. He and/or She is right inside you, underneath the pain, the sorrow, and the shame. I think I’ll be a lot better now that this book is done.